Ask Gearographer: I want a boat but the wife says, “No.”

water sports
Dear Gearographer,

I really, really want a boat. My wife says she will divorce me if I get one, but I still want it. I don’t know why she’s so set against it but was wondering if you knew how I could change her mind.

– Wanting in Washington

 

Dear Wanting,

Just the fact that she is threatening divorce, yet you still want a boat tells us you should be writing one of those other advice columns that always suggests therapy. We here at Gearographer don’t necessarily want a boat; we just want a neighbor with one. Another cliché we should point you toward is that the two best days in a boat owner’s life are the day he buys the boat and the day he sells it. Might we suggest something we learned in Mexico: buy a life jacket, turn it upside down and place your legs through the armholes so you’re wearing it like a diaper. Now you can float with your waist and above out of the water and your hands free to hold beer which is about what you would do in a boat anyway.

Sincerely,
Gearographer

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Michael Ryan

Michael is a full-time musician and freelance writer residing in Morrison, Colorado. He enjoys downhill skiing, traveling and attempting to play golf. He excels in the sport of extreme napping so if you must call, make it after noon.

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