Ridiculous Travel Products from SkyMall

Travelers usually have two reading options provided on board an airplane: the safety manual suggesting every way the plane can crash, and the only slightly less horrifying SkyMall catalog. The infamous airline catalog has a long history offering a collection of strange and usual products for those with too much money and too little sense. Perhaps its been every airline’s way of making their own absurdities seem normal by comparison.

Showing they know who their audience is but not necessarily what they want, SkyMall often markets their items to travelers. With SkyMall catalog recently declaring bankrupcty, here’s a nostalgic eulogy to the most ridiculous products ever pushed on its globe-trotting passengers.

Upright Sleeper

upright

With this device, us humans can finally sleep without having to lie down! Take that, horses! Unfortunately, this contraption also makes us look like we’ve somehow got our heads stuck in a Thighmaster. To get a return on your investment, use this to play up a neck sprain for a personal injury lawsuit.

Skyrest Travel Pillow

skyrest
Yep, haul this monstrosity to your seat and begin madly inflating it as other passengers file in. Then pass out, because you just expended all of your oxygen blowing this dang thing up.

Compact Portable Footrest

footrest
Hey lady, the best way to keep your feet comfortable while traveling is to just not wear high heels. Not bringing along some cheap dollhouse table to prop up your shoes during a flight.

Smart Belt Buckle

belt buckle
Wallets? Those are for people who aren’t dangerously paranoid. You know better and store your credit cards in a hidden secret agent buckle. It will surely surely impress, and not terrify the cashier when you start fumbling at your belt in the airport’s food court.

Kickboard Carry-On Luggage

cover
That’s right, pack a helmet and elbow pads, because your vacation just got a little more extreme! Hauling heavy luggage is one of the few downsides to traveling as an adult, but not sure if regressing to a five-year old solves that problem. You’ll get some disapproving looks from other travelers, but whatever, they only wish they could ride their suitcases

iPhone Wrist Wallet

wrist
We’re all attached to our smart phones in a way, but we didn’t need to make it literal. But if passing the time in the airport by pretending you’re a robot helps, knock yourself out.

StarScreen Social Backdrops

starscreen
Come to think of it, why bother traveling? With these backdrops, you can convince your family and friends you’re in Egypt or Mount Rushmore, all while staying at home. I’d suggest changing out of the crumb-covered bathrobe to really sell the illusion.

Cabin Cuddler

cabin
Airplanes can get cold, but I’m not sure why wrapping yourself up in a colorful body bag is the best option. Personally I think a name like the Sky Sarcophagus or the Takeoff Taco would’ve made a better name for this first world problem’s solution.

No-Rinse Bathing Wipes

wipes
For the love of Pete, take a shower. An airplane is an inescapable tube with recirculated air, and glorified baby wipes will do little to save other passengers from your B.O..

Solar Powered Cooling Hat

hat
Go, go power social repellant! Nothing says pampered and out of touch American tourist like wearing this on a safari.

Mobile Massage System

massage
Travel can be stressful, but is the solution to walk around looking like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle reject? Even asking a stranger to give you a back massage would be less creepy than this.

Winky Cross Body Bag

winky
Friendly travel trip: If you don’t want to look shady to the TSA, don’t bring a bag with a giant winking eyeball through the security line. For extra creepiness, get two and hold them up to your face at any given opportunity.

Nano UV Wand

nano
This wand claims to eliminate bacteria from any surface, so you can wave it over your hotel bedsheets like some kind of germophobic Harry Potter. Or you can use that money to just not book a fleabag motel.

Toothpaste Tablets

toothpaste

Toothpaste is great, except for the exhausting effort of squeezing it out on your toothbrush. No more with the toothpaste tablet, which can be simply popped in your mouth to brush your teeth, or convince everyone on the flight you’ve contracted rabies.

Sand Names Print

sand

Sure, you could go to the beach and do this yourself, but then you’d have gone to the beach, and you’d have an extra $70 just laying around. Proceeds go towards teaching the SkyMall graphics team how to use Photoshop.

Pickpocket-Proof Pants

pants

No one’s pick pocketing this guy…at the Great Wall of China! The only one stealing from you is SkyMall if you buy from them. On the other hand, showing thieves you shop exclusively at SkyMall is the best way to convince them you don’t own anything of value to begin with.

With the SkyMall catalog declaring bankrupty, travelers will have to move fast if they want to snap any of these up. But why would they? Thanks for the laughs, SkyMall, but I have to say the skies will be a little less tacky with you gone.

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